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Visual Intensity 4
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Visual Intensity - Issue 4 (1994-05-29)(Dual 4Mat)(Disk 2 of 3).adf
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097
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097
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1978-01-04
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131 lines
{tb{L{8
T H A T S H I T M E U P
{C{5
BY WATTS/DUAL FORMAT
{A{6
What you are about to read is totally
true and funny (well it is now).
{7This all happened a few years ago when
I was eighteenish. My old fella was
the proprieter of a local security dog
patrol business. Anyway I was given a
job working with the old chap. This
included a company van. Yeh, wheels
are wheels at that age..... My job
was to try and get new contracts, you
know more business. Until one night
when some mobile guard phoned in sick
and yep you have already figured,
there's nobody else available but me.
Right this mobile job includes going
into old Lancashire mills. The ones
that whistle your name as you walk in
'em. So anyway I goes to our kennels
to pick up Max, one of our well
trained dogs. Now Max is an Alsation,
a bit nasty but can do the job ok. I
goes to HQ to collect my jobsheet that
lists all the sites I had to visit
through the night. So off we set, me
and Max, I got on the M62 heading for
Preston and my so called friendly
companion decides to take a big sloppy
dioricky in the back of the van.
{tb{7Oh my god, I can still remember it
now. It fucking stank, I was nearly
spewing my ring. I had to stop on the
hard shoulder to clean it out. Now
remember Max was not the nicest dog in
the world. I opened the back door of
the van, the bastard turd was still
steaming. No, it wasn't a turd, it
was a fucking coffee table. I managed
to clean it up and managed to get to a
petrol station for a box of air
fresheners.... The van still fucking
stunk of shit. Have any of you guys
ever called a fucking dog so much. I
was wishing the bastard dead for the
smell it had caused....
Well the night went on and around
03:32 I'd reached an old creaky mill
in Radcliffe nr Bury. It was one of
those multi unit conversions. Yeh,
anyway my instructions were to make
sure the front main doors were locked
as people always left 'em open. Then
once they were locked, walk round to
the mill yard where there was a roller
shutter that was always left open (so
I was told). So me and Max walked
into the roller shutters, closed 'em
down and locked 'em behind us.
Now in these places there were no
lights at night, I don't know why...
In front of us was an old industrial
lift big enougth to fit a car in.
Anyway I opened the lift gates and
went in, closed the gates then went to
the control panel and pressed fl.1.
D.DUM <sound effects) the lift starts
up to the first floor as pressed. As
I got to the first floor I was just
about to open the lift gates when
suddenly D.DUM the lift starts off
{tb{A{7back down to the ground. Now I didn't
press the button and i'd also locked
up behind me so by this time I was
wetting myself. I was fucking
terrified. The lift stopped on the
ground floor. I took Max's choker off
and found the nerve to open the lift
doors (dont ask me how). Get 'em Max
kill kill I said. Max looked at me
funny. There was nobody there. Now I
was worried, so I decided to go into
the lift again, up to the first floor.
Yep, you're right, the same thing
happened again. The lift pleased
itself back to the bottom floor. I
could have cried I was shitting my
load. Then I thought, ah fuckit,
pulled back the doors of the lift and
took a walk round the bottom floor. I
found nothing so I blamed the lift,
mechanical error. But as I walked
towards the lift I noticed that some
silly stupid twat had jammed the
button with a match stick so every
time I went up, it would bring me
down, so that sorted that. Anyway, I
checked the floors as normal, 1st,
2nd, 3rd floors were ok then when I
got to the 4th floor I could hear very
quite talking. It sounded like 2
blokes. As I walked down the corridor
it was getting louder. I was ready
for some trouble. I got to this unit
door then all of a sudden RADIO 2
DERDDERDERD. Some bastard had left
their fucking radio on all night. I
got out of there pretty sharpish and I
never went back agian, thank fuck.....
{C{9
P.S THIS STORY IS TOTALLY TRUE AND
FUNNY ........ NOW........
{A{:
End.